Posted by: mutantpoodle | August 25, 2012


Dear Mitt,

If you were, I don’t know, the presumptive Republican nominee for President, speaking in front of a home-state crowd (well, the original home state), getting ready for your convention where, you hope, you will focus the nation like a laser on the alleged failures of your incumbent opponent, maybe you shouldn’t say anything that will take the headlines away from your message.

Oh well.

I love being home in this place where Ann and I were raised, where both of us were born. Ann was born at Henry Ford hospital, I was born at Harper hospital. No one has ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place that we were born and raised.

And a thousand GOP consultants died a quiet death.

It’s not just that, even if it was a joke, it wasn’t, you know, funny.

Or that the wink and nod to the racist birther movement, even in a joke, is offensive to tens of millions of humans, some of whom you may want to vote for you come November.

Or that a clever Obama strategist could feed Barack Obama a line like, “no one has to ask to see the last decade of my tax returns.”

It’s that the lead news story on the Friday before your convention is, essentially, Mitt: Still a Douchenozzle. Although, in fairness, that’s not what the New York Times posted.

Look, Mitt, you’ve got lots of trouble coming down the pike.  Your 8% body fat VP may not endear himself to the ladies by suggesting that, from the perspective of a “pro-life” stalwart like himself, rape is merely another form of conception. (I put “pro-life” in quotes, because the concern for life most “pro-life” politicians voice evaporates shortly after labor commences.) It also turns out you may have been, um, highly flexible in your definition of capital gains over the years, saving you tens of millions of dollars in taxes. (Still think the tax issue is going away? Think again.) Not too long ago, you demonstrated that it was possible to screw up a foreign policy photo op in the United Kingdom, for chrissakes.

What I mean is, you probably should stick to the script.

Let me be clear – I really, really, really want you to lose come November 6th. If I had my druthers, you’d be humiliated, but I’ll settle for a narrow victory.  And I think I’ll get at least that.

But if you keep doing stupid stuff like this, you just make Barack Obama’s job easier.


…wait a minute…

Never mind.



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